JOKE thread

[nickl011]

I highly recommend Mitch Hedberg, his jokes aren't that funny, but his delivery is the funniest ever.

[Poo]

No Mexican Jews !!!



Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked

Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"



Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."



When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Do you have any Mexican Jews?"



The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I will ask the cooks."



He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican

Jews."



Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"



The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos," gave the expected

answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.



While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there

are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."



The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican

Jews."



"Are you certain?" Al asked once again.



"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,

"All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."

[Guy]

what do you call a ethiopian with a yeast infection?











a quarter pounder with cheese!

[Wake2Skate]

best story lines ever...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VX8_M-KI7IQ

[ImSoWakested]

clear-omen-water, "beach get me a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries"

[Poo]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I ask.

'They will grow larger over a period of
years,' he replies.

I stop. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even
walk again.
Stupid, stupid man!

[Poo]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy!! Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[board2much]

...i like this one cause i think it could be a true story :]
Only in North Carolina


A young woman in Swan Quarter (NC Coast) was so depressed that she decided

to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. She went down to

the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome

young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.



He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm

off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer,

he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,

and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she

have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new

meaning.



That night, the sailor took her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then

on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and

they made passionate love until dawn.



Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Ocracoke Ferry."

[nick]

^^^Ocracoke being part of the Outer Banks, a part of North Carolina^^^

[Poo]

dont really get that. ^^ whats it all mean basil?

[w@ke Sk8]

ok so there is a guy who wants to become a paratrooper. He goes through his training and on the first jump day they go up to 10 thousand feet. The students jump and after his jump he calls his dad and says dad it was great went to 10 thousand feet and 18 of the 20 jumped. Dad says well did u jump? Kid says no i got scared and didnt jump.

So next day they go to 15 thousand feet. 18 of 20 jump. Afterwards he calls his dad and says dad it was awsome we went to 20 thousand feet and 18 of us jumped. Dad says well did u jump. Kid says no i got air sick and they made me come down.

So third and last day before the jump the general comes out and says listen here you pu$$ys! if you dont jump today im gonna fiznack your A$s.
So they go up and 19 jump. calls his dad says dad we went to 20 thousand feet and 19 of us jumped. Dad says well did u jump?

Kid says .....just a little

[conwest]

w@ke Sk8, haha

[w@ke Sk8]

ok so there is a lizard in the jungle and hes walkin around and sees a koala in a tree. he says to the koala, Dude whatcha doin up there. koala says dude smokin some weed. so the lizard goes up in the tree and they smoke a couple joints. so they are completely baked and the lizard says dude im gonna go to the river and get a drink. so the lizard goes to the river and meets a crocadile. lizard says man u gotta see this! its a koala smokin weed. so the croc goes up to the koala and the koala says

D@MN lizard how much water did u drink!

[Le Jalapeno]

w@ke Sk8, ......, i need about 4 more bowls before thats funny, i'm sorry



so a pirate walks into a bar with a wooden steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar and asks for a rum, while the bartender is getting his drink, she can't help to ask "whats the wheel in your pants for?"
the pirate replies "yyyeeaaaargh, it drives me nuts!"

[mr robotto]

w@ke Sk8, i didn't get either....

[w@ke Sk8]

ok ok sorry lol

[w@ke Sk8]

what 4 animals do u see after sex?
2 tired asses
1 wet cat
and a dead jerk

[nickl011]

So a russain with a bottle of vodka, a mexican with tequilla, a North Dakotan and an Indian are flying on a plane together. The Russain takes a drink of vodka, and throws the bottle out the window. The North Dakotan asks "Why did you do that?", the russain answers "we have a lot of it in russia". The mexican takes a drink of tequilla and throws it out the window. The North Dakotan asks "Why did you do that?", the mexican answers "we have a lot of tequilla in Mexico". After a while the North Dakotan throws the Indian out the window. The Russain and Mexican ask "Why did you do that".


The North Dakotan answers " We have a lot of those in North Dakota."

[w@ke Sk8]

thats supposed to be a dead c0ck

[Calskater23]

Integ_TNT, Theres that same joke except their in a bar and the Indian gets shot!