JOKE thread

[Poo]

dunno how long this will ast but i just got a bunch of fgood jokes from my gramparents so ima be postin em here.

VV heres the first VV

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me,
do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets
down on his knees so that he is on her
level and says "Do you want a widdle white
wabbit or a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit or one
like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels
puts her hands on her knees, leans forward
and whispers "I don't wealy fink my
pyfon gives a phuck!"

[Poo]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and
the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've
Got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on
a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman ?"

" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very
good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but
thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to
walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a Fcuking
Chihuahua ?!"

[Poo]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has
given us. I can live a better life now because he's told
us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the
$5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
> in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow
a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day.

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late......

[edrex]

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other?






A: If we don't get some support around here, people are going to think we're NUTS!

-----------------

Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?






A: A PILOT, YOU F\/CKING RACIST!

-------------

I'll post more if I can remember them.

[Ctipping]

What did Ctipping get on his SAT?







Ketchup.

[dirtyohioriver22]

Ctipping, hahhaahha

[Poo]

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my
hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,
"Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law
to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked
great for two days.Then the mud fell off.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him
another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen,
your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says,
"That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!"
The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner,
you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said,
"I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

* I wish my brother-in-law would learn a trade, so I would know
what kind of work he's out of.

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing"

[Poo]

GAS.....FREE SEX WITH FILL UP....

A gas station in the Ukraine was trying to increase its sales. So the
owner put up a sign saying "Free sex with fill-up."

Soon a local Ukrainian pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for
his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer picked the number 8.
The proprietor told him he was close, the number was 7, and better luck
next time. No free sex this time.

A week later, the same Ukrainian, along with a friend, pulled in for a
fill up again, and he asked again for his free sex. The business owner
again told him to pick a number. This time the Ukrainian picked the
number 2, and this time, he was wrong again. The number was 3.

As he and his friend were driving away, the Ukrainian said to his buddy,
"I think that this game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free
sex." The friend replied, "No it aint Jerry, it's not rigged. My wife
won twice last week."

[Poo]

my grandparents send me the best jokes


Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
> little 5
> year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
> that we
> CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time ..
>
> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
>
> One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
> empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
> interest in all he activity going on next door and spent much of each
> day
> observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
> or
> less adopted her as a kind of
> project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
> they had
> coffee and lunchbreaks, and gave her little jobs to do here an d there
> to
> make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week they even presented her
> with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl
> took
> this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of
> admiration
> and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to
> the
> bank the next day to start a savings account.
>
> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
> the
> little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young
> age.The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
> building the house next door to
> us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
> on
> the house again this week, too?"
>
> The little girl replied, "I will if those as$holes at Home Depot ever
> deliver the fcukin' sheet rock."
>
> Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

[CapriSunAllNatural]

Is the an acceptable place for a dead baby joke?

[nick]

VinceWhiteman,

[Poo]

che blanc, holy shlt on a stick i just realized your comin up on 10,000 posts. i'm kinda scared of what might happen, i hope nobody's head esplodes. cuz thatswhat the prophecy tells.

"the chosen one will reach 10,000 posts and an insignificant souls head will esplode" Noah. circa 1200 BC

[Raven]

What do you call a cow masturbating?












Beef Stronganhoff

[Poo]

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


*****************************************************


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all
of
the beer.

*****************************************************


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

********************************* ********************


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe
my rearend with a snow cone.

*****************************************************


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any
oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.

*****************************************************


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Th e perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[Poo]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the helI off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your as$es on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train..but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen...."

[Poo]

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during
the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Eight weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the
whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For eight weeks we've been eating
managers and No One noticed anything, But NOOOooooo, - you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something."

[girlvswater]

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late......
_________________

thats histerical cuz i was doing it...

[Poo]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Well!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing!"

[Wakeness450]

why did the bike fall over?

[Wakeness450]

because it was too tired!